A couple years ago, my nephew Max asked me what the funniest thing I'd ever seen or heard was. That's a tough question to answer on the spot. I thought for a minute, and then told him about the time years ago when Wendy and I went to see a Steven Wright performance in person. He's the comedian known for his wacky hair, monotone voice, and deadpan delivery of one-liners. There was one line I remember that nearly brought the house down, and I repeated it to Max:
Max replied that it was pretty funny."I have a theory. The end of the cold war is what started global warming."
Another time I talked to Max, he asked what funny things our cats (who are named Chili and Jalapeno) had done recently. I told him a few things, which made him laugh. In the spirit of funny things, here are some of our funny cat stories:
- When they were kittens, sometimes they would spot each other across the room. Then they would both crouch down, wiggle their butt, run full speed at each other, and jump into the air with their front paws spread wide in a mock attack. One time one of them landed in a trash can!
- One time I had just gotten home from the grocery store and we were putting away groceries. Chili came up and started sniffing around. I noticed he got his head through the handle of one of the empty plastic bags, so I reached down to untangle him. He moved out of the way, though, and realized the plastic bag had followed him, which made him scared. That caused him to start running away, but the plastic bag still followed him, and soon he was sprinting around the house in a panic! Fortunately he soon ran into a bedroom, and I went in and shut the door so he couldn't get out. Finally, he stopped behind a dresser and I pulled the plastic bag off of him. He was one scared cat! Ever since then, when I bring home the groceries, he's nowhere to be seen.
- One time Jalapeno got his head stuck in an empty Kleenex box! It was sitting on the coffee table, and he poked his head inside to take a look. Then he raised his head up and the Kleenex box raised up, too! He started backing up, then fell off the coffee table, then kept backing up on the floor. We ran over, got the box off his head, and momentarily set it on the coffee table, at which point he jumped up and started sniffing the box again! We quickly threw the empty box away.
- Both cats know they're not supposed to be on the dining room table. Earlier this year, Chili was on the table, so I pointed at him and firmly said "DOWN!" He immediately laid down on the table. Nice try, but not exactly what I meant!
- Once, when they were smaller, I was in the bathroom when Jalapeno poked his head out from under the sink. I said "Hey, I didn't know you were in here", at which point Chili stuck his head out from behind the shower curtain. I thought I was alone!
I've kept thinking about Max's original question: What is the funniest thing I've ever seen or heard?
Eventually, I figured out the answer. For me, the funniest thing is the video from the 2001 spring training season, when a bird flew right in front of a fastball thrown by pitcher Randy Johnson:
First of all, that poor bird! I feel bad for it. At least it died quickly. But that explosion of feathers! The stunned reaction of the players and the crowd! Also, what are the odds of that happening?! And the fact that it happened to Randy Johnson, who was known for his blazing fastballs, is oddly perfect. The bird never stood a chance.
Every so often I remember this video and start laughing out loud.
I did a bit of research and found an interview with several ornithologists about this bizarre event. Here's what I learned:
- The bird was a mourning dove.
- Randy Johnson didn't find the event funny immediately afterwards, but eventually made peace with it. He now owns a photography business whose logo is a dead bird:
- A bird getting hit by a pitch has happened once in the minor leagues as well. It was in 2014; the bird was a swallow and the event was not nearly as dramatic.
- By some calculations, the odds of this happening over a 20 year span are 1 in 12 million for the majors, or 1 in 50 million for majors and minors combined.
- PETA supposedly considered filing charges against Johnson for animal cruelty but never did.
- The event is somewhat reminiscent of the time Fabio was hit in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster (the goose died). However, Fabio claims the amusement park spread the story of a goose hitting him to avoid liability; he says the goose hit a video camera, and a fragment of the camera hit his nose.
So that's what I've got. What is the funniest thing you've ever seen or heard?